傻猫猫

2011-12-30T09:43:00.000+08:00

So many times we’ve been asked – “If you could do anything in the world, no barriers or obstacles, what would it be?”

Such a tragic question, don’t you think?

Ever since I started working, I hear this question even more. Ever since I started working, I keep hearing the phrase “sold-out” - people who gave up their dreams and passions in exchange for a stable job and relatively worry-free life.

You and I, we are all sold-outs. I guess in Singapore people are too fearful of failing, too fearful of people’s judgement, too affected by the invisible pressures (whether they are really present or not, that’s irrelevant).

If I could do anything in the world? Sing.

In the past, I dream of standing in front of a crowd, applauding for me as they tear and sob at my soulful songs, etc etc.

Now, I don’t really care if people listen to me or not. Best if they don’t, I hate people coming up to me telling me how they think I can improve. People who have never sung a note in their lives somehow believing that if I followed their advice, I am bound to succeed, and it’s all to their credit.

If I don’t have to worry about supporting myself, about paying my parents… if I wasn’t so afraid of being “unemployed”… Yea, I would sing

But in reality, people who sing and succeed at it need to have at least one of the following:
• Wealth, to support yourself or to get connections
• Awesome Talent
• Extreme Passion, to be able to withstand not having an income for months

I have none of the above, so… I am a sold-out.

*meow*

2011-12-15T13:40:00.003+08:00

I think I have lost the passion to sing.

I feel... old O.o. Like, I'm ready to settle down, settle for an ok job, go home and watch TV, etc.

Think once you starting working, it really starts to drain the spirit out of you.

To my dear friends who have not begun working, please go ahead, waste your life and enjoy being a passionate idiot. Dun worry too much, just do it.

Only worry when your spirit starts to disappear.

2011-11-23T20:17:00.001+08:00

我不开心，很不快乐。

2011-11-21T23:09:00.002+08:00

I am 54 kg. I haven't been 54 kg since my JC days.

I have a huge bulging tummy. I used to look damn good in that bronze cheongsam. Now I don't even dare to wear it cos even with a girdle, there are lumps every where.

Today, I found that I can no longer fit into my sister's hand-me-downs.

Freak. I am officially depressed and desperate=(

2011-11-21T21:17:00.002+08:00

I used to dream abt becoming a singer, or becoming an actress. Or dream about becoming a Victoria Secrets model... or... I dunno, just dreams...

Then as I started working, these dreams one by one slipped away... somehow, I had to grapple with the reality that I will never make it as a singer, or an actress, much less a Victoria Secrets model... And I was scared because I don't think I have ever lived without a dream before... I didn't know how to live this way... The whole idea of wading through the waters, not knowing where my destination is...

I was scared of becoming one of the many smile-less faces on the train... people who lived not knowing why or how... just passing by the day and see where the tide leads... just trying to live a life that is actually not worth living...

But now I think about it, I do have a dream.

My dream is to spend the rest of my life with you.

One day, we will retire to some sub-urban place, away from the hustle and bustle... away from these fears we face... I will get a dog, and you will get jealous cos I keep playing with the dog... We will get old, and I will hold your hand as we walk through the supermarket to get groceries... and I will still be addicted to the TV, and you will fall asleep beside me as I watch the TV...

This is my new dream.

2011-10-11T21:14:00.002+08:00

Dear Lord,

I have no idea what I am doing.

I go out in the mornings, and I mentally prepare myself for something to go wrong along the day. That way I become more careful. And also in case something bad happens, at least I'm prepared for it.

That day I heard the regular beep from my computer, and I found myself whispering under my breathe, "I'm scared."

Every day I think about how so many pple would consider me lucky and would like to have what I have now. I tell myself to stop fussing so much, that I should be thankful for what I have. But when one has to remind herself of this every single morning, something must be wrong, right? Either that, or I'm really just being a pessimistic bitch. I don't know which one it is.

Dear Lord, please help me to find my way. I am lost. I don't know where I am going.

2011-08-22T22:49:00.002+08:00

我想做音乐，是为了什么？

是因为它让我觉得很帅气？

是因为我想让别人听，让别人夸，这样我才觉得我这个人有价值？

因为它让我活起来？是因为我在听到好音乐时，我会很感动。我会很想写出自己的歌，唱出自己的感情，说着自己的故事。

是因为在我拿着吉他哼着歌时（其实我唱歌很大声，而且很experimental，很不好听，所以只能选在家里没人的时候唱），那是我最放松的时候。我不能说那时我最快乐的时候，但肯定是我最松懈的时候。

有时候还会唱到哭（所以一定要在没人的时候唱，不然大家一定觉得我是神经病），有时还会唱不下去。其实这个感觉很过瘾，我很喜欢=）

一个人唱歌时，就只有我。我不用怕别人觉得不好听。不好听就把它唱的好听为止。这也很过瘾=D

原来我喜欢音乐，是因为它很过瘾=）能有个legitimate excuse 去投入一份感情，尽情诠释，真过瘾。

可是开始做工后，就没有这个机会了=（星期一到五要上班，周末有空爸爸却在家，我不能唱。（他从小就不喜欢我唱歌，觉得很吵。也确实是很吵，但还是很伤人啊=（。。。）偶尔他会去图书馆，他一出门我就会把吉他拿出来，嘻嘻。。。不过他一回来，我也就自动停了。

。。。我突然好饿 O.o。。。

2011-08-14T12:55:00.002+08:00

相信每一个人都有梦想。

那卖杂菜饭的年轻小伙子，在我家楼下开杂货店开了一辈子的老伯伯（已故），还是那每天一大早就在扫地的外来劳工。相信他们都曾经有梦想，想当帅哥美女，当老板明星等等等。

可是在生活中能实现梦想的人，可能在一万个人里面只有一个。在这世界上发光发热，让大家都熟悉他的名字。

那其余的九千九百九十九个人呢？难道他们就 don't matter 了吗？他们的生活，是怎么过的？

我想写一首歌，送给他们。

2011-08-14T12:16:00.002+08:00

我想写一首歌。

当一个人悲伤时，在夜里一个人躲在房间的角落头哭泣，而且还不敢哭得太大声怕别人听见。

希望她听到这首歌，会哭得更悲伤更歇斯底里，直到哭得累得躺在床上睡着。

她会因为疲倦而睡得好香好香，睡得好熟好熟。也因为如此，她在醒来回头望时，会发现她还是像往常一样美。

2011-08-13T12:13:00.003+08:00

我要蜕变，随着年龄地蜕变。

长大了。遇到的人事务不一样了。别人对我的眼光与评审也不一样了。

以前总是把自己弄得笨笨傻傻的，因为笨笨傻傻的小女生更能讨人欢心，更能得到别人的注意，更能成为世界的中心。

其实我一点都不傻。我很聪明，也好像有点心机。我不为这而惭愧。因为我认为每个人都应该清楚自己的Unique Selling Point并且善加利用，才能更好更好地掌握自己的命运。那些不花工夫认识自己且只懂随波逐流的人，模模糊糊过一生，才真是可悲。